Howdy Kittens – welcome back to the digital diary of a living dead show girl. By the time you are reading this hopefully the day will be over but as of now… its my birthday week ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა
I have come to resent this holiday a great deal as each year I put a tremendous amount of pressure on it to do something extraordinarily special and just about every year without fail I just end up in tears.
I am trying to find the middle ground between pretending the day doesn’t exist and trying to do something realistic to treat myself.
When I over analyze it – who gives a fuck about your birthday ? On one end its self indulgent and I don’t think anyone cares about me that much. On the other hand I love my friends so fucking much. I love celebrating their birthday’s and getting a chance to remind them of how loved and special they are. I love picking out a niche gift or writing a letter to commemorate the year and for the few friends I have in my life, its an event I really look forward to for each of them.
When the role is reversed I just feel so icky about celebrating myself, especially when I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the entirety of July and am just trying to survive and end the month as quickly and wholy as possible.
So with that said and in true testimony to an internet oversharer – Join me for my anit-birthday celebration this year !
Post Birthday Reflections –
This year I worked the first half of my birthday and spent the second half with the love of my life – eating pizza and watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space (what a master piece). I attempted to have a small gathering but everyone in my circle was either too tired or working late so I took the hint from the universe. I think a lot of my close friends forgot frankly about my birthday this year since I deleted social media… but hey ! It’s not their job to remember or care, it’s a choice frankly and in this social and political climate, I can’t blame em’ for not having much availability to spare.
^ Actual footage of me trying to convince my friends I’m fun to hang out with
So I guess you can say I skipped the whole thing all together this year. I didn’t buy a cake, and no happy birthday song (except one drunk at the bar – as much as I wanted to avoid this tradition I do appreciate that one stranger for keeping it alive).
I guess this is adulthood right ? Growing up, I think what I’ve learned from this is its really up to you to make things special and to do the little things you care about. After all, what is the significance of a birthday anyways? Is it worth celebrating?
I guess that’s a case by case basis and I am grateful to have spent the day with the person that has kept me alive these past years.
And that is something to be proud of.
Seriously another year around the sun is a tremendous gift and I think that is the true significance we should celebrate, but fuck the overzealous traditions. They always make me feel like dogshit so I advocate for untraditional celebrations. Spend time with the people (or person) who actually give a damn about you, no matter how small of a circle that may be, and seriously self advocate for yourself to create your own birthday magic in whatever form that looks like.
^ is that too much to ask for ???
Now on another note – does anyone get birthday depression ? Like some pretty serious, heavy, existential crisis shit?
That hit me pretty hard this year aghhhh. I just redownloaded social media but all of the reasons I deleted it are coming back and I am so close to just calling it again. The social comparisons and lack of self worth trying to prove I’m here and worth validating ahhhhhh. Now, I’m not saying everyone who uses social media does so for those purposes but I find myself being sucked right back into that rabbit hole and it sucks. Without it, I was forced to make more real connections and even though I am still struggling a great deal with those right now, I hate the artificial internet version of myself.
The birthday depressions stirred up all of these weird thoughts and forced me to compare myself even harder this year to a nonexistent and unattainable bar I set just so I can fail and have an excuse to punish myself. That being said, I became overly aware of a unnecessary amount of self-hatred I have. It’s too much for no good reason (I’m not that evil… ᗜ⩊ᗜ), hate takes a lot of energy. Social media is the perfect fuel for that fire and until I can fucking find a way to have a healthy relationship with it I just don’t know if there’s a place for me there.
Ah yes, I would much rather overshare on this tangent inducing rabbit hole of a blog – much healthier.
But at least this is my voice.
I still get to hide behind a screen but there is something genuine that exists here.
And yet, I am sorry about it.
With that said – I am entitled to one mega-depression episode a year (as if it is that easy to control/plan) and this is it !
Don’t worry folks ! It’s over now – I can see clearly now the rain is gone 🙂 !
Song of the Week
xoxo
Morticia 🥀
Leave a comment